I had a good conversation with God this morning. I often find that the best conversations include His gentle reprimands. Sometimes the better than the best conversations include His not so gentle reprimands.
This particular prayer time was no different. Since learning about my need to raise additional support, my prayer times have contained a large dose of supplication for funding and new givers. Today almost before I'd sat down, I said, "Lord, please help me to raise support." I didn't start out with a cheerful, "It's such a beautiful day, God, thanks for sharing it with me." Nor did I greet Him with a, "Our Father who Art in heaven." I rushed in and just said, "Dad, I need 20 bucks." I found it rather interesting that I could do this with my heavenly Father, but I've never done that with my earthly Dad. It rankles me when kids selfishly demand money in that manner.
I stopped, backtracked, and asked myself, what's the issue here? Unfortunately for me, there are several. God and I tackled worry first. My preacher's kid training automatically took me to Matthew, where I picked up reading under the not too subtle heading "Do Not Worry." It's a passage we're all familiar with, so I won't quote it here (if you want to read it, though, go to Matthew 6 : 25 - 34). Toward the end, the famous exhortation to "seek first His kingdom and righteousness " stood out to me, just as it does every time I read that chapter. (You'd think I'd learn sooner or later)
I pondered the nature of seeking verses the nature of worry. While both can saturate us thoroughly, worry is easy, but seeking is not. Seeking requires action; worry drives us to inactivity, or I should say, worthless activity. Seeking inspires us , but worry drains us.
I chose worry this morning because worrying is easy, and seeking is hard.
After turning these ideas around in my mind, I latched on to the phrase, "His kingdom." I adore this phrase, and love the way that it pops up in the Gospels. I've recently started reading the phrase "His kingdom" with a silent definition tacked on to it. I always think, "His kingdom - any place, situation or opportunity where His will is being done."
Taking a deep breath I waited for this to saturate me. The silence brought me this thought, "Worrying is about my will, while seeking is about His will."
I started to protest (perhaps too much) saying, " It is undoubtedly God's will that I return to Thailand. It's His will that I become team leader. The team needs me there, and the students need me there. The ministry needs me there. I need to be there, and not here. I need to go, not sit around and wait for the money so that I can go."
And then God brought me to the deeper issue, which by the way is always the issue and I don't know why I didn't just jump straight to it. Pride always nestles itself very closely to my heart. My pride tricked me into believing that without me the ministry would have a terrible start at the beginning of the year. Pride deceived me by whispering to me, telling me that if I don't raise the funds no one will do it for me. It's no wonder I worry. If all my success depends on my will then I do not worry enough.
But, the addition of goodness in our lives does not depend on our will, so why worry? Instead seek first His kingdom. Seek His righteousness.
I'm seeking the strength to ask, and seeking people to help in this process of revealing His will to the nations. Seeking people to help usher in His kingdom. I'm trying not to just sit around and worry about how it will happen or if I'll get the funding on time. I'm seeking to swallow my pride and ask for His will to occur even when it forces me off of center stage.
Like I said, it was a good conversation, and you didn't even hear the half of it.
